swaps 's shampoo with nair installs windows on 's machine forces to use perl for 3 weeks registers 's name with 50 known spammers resizes 's terminal to 40x24 takes 's tea dispenses 's email address to a few hundred 'bulk mailing services' pokes in the eye beats senseless with a 50lb Unix manual cats /dev/urandom into 's ear signs up for AOL enrolls in Visual Basic 101 sporks drops a truckload of VAXen on judo chops resizes 's terminal to 40x24 formats 's harddrive to fat12 rm -rf's stabs steals 's mojo strangles with a doohicky mouse cord whacks with the cluebat sells on E-Bay uses as a biological warfare study uses the "Customer Appreciation Bat" on reads some vogon poetry puts in the Total Perspective Vortex casts into the fires of Mt. Doom gives a melvin turns over to Agent Smith to be "bugged" takes away 's internet connection pushes past the Shoe Event Horizon counts "1, 2, 5... er... 3!" and hurls the Holy Handgrenade Of Antioch at puts in a nest of camel spiders makes read slashdot at -1 puts "alias vim=emacs" in 's /etc/profile uninstalls ld from 's system locks in the Chateau d'If signs up for getting hit on the head lessons makes try to set up a Lexmark printer fills 's Visene eyedrop bottle with lime juice casts into the fires of Mt. Doom. gives a Chicago Steamer rips off 's arm, and uses it to beat them to death pierces 's nose with a rusty paper hole puncher pokes with a rusty nail puts sugar between 's bedsheets pours sand into 's oatmeal mixes epoxy into 's toothpaste puts Icy-Hot in 's lip balm straps to a chair, and plays a endless low bitrate MP3 loop of "the world's most annoying sound" from "Dumb and Dumber" tells Dr. Dre that was talking smack forces to use a Commodore 64 for all their word processing smacks in the face with a burlap sack full of broken glass puts in a room with several heavily armed manic depressives makes watch reruns of "Blue's Clues" puts lye in 's coffee tattoos the Windows symbol on 's ass lets Borg have his way with signs up for line dancing classes at the local senior center wakes out of a sound sleep with some brand new nipple piercings gives a 2 guage Prince Albert forces to eat all their veggies covers 's toilet paper with lemon-pepper fills 's ketchup bottle with Dave's Insanity sauce forces to stare at an incredibly frustrating and seemingly neverending IRC political debate knocks two of 's teeth out with a 2x4 removes debian from 's system uses 's debian cds for skeet shooting practice gives 's phone number to Borg posts 's IP and root password on alt.2600 forces to use words like "irregardless" and "administrate" (thereby sounding like a real dumbass)" tickles until they wet their pants and pass out replaces 's KY with elmer's clear wood glue replaces 's TUMS with alka-seltzer tablets squeezes habanero pepper juice into 's tub of vaseline for submits 's photo to the people at SA for photoshopping Forces to learn the Win32 API gives an atomic wedgie ties to a chair and forces them to listen to 'N Sync at full blast forces to use emacs for text editing frowns at really really hard jabs a hot car lighter into 's eye sockets forces to browse the web with IE takes out at the knees with a broken pool cue forces to listen to only emo music signs up for the Iowa State Ferret Legging Championship attempts to hotswap 's RAM donkey punches puts track spikes into 's side replaces 's Astroglide with JB Weld replaces 's hypertension pills with rat poison pellets replaces s jock itch cream with Nair does the Australian Death Grip on dances upon the grave of 's ancestors. farts in 's general direction flogs with stinging neddle hands a poison ivy joint